Since yesterday was our wedding anniversary I thought i should share some of the stuff I rarely share and that is the dynamics of working with a spouse. Get a couple of tea and let me indulge you into a subject that everyone has an opinion about yet many are ignorant about the true dynamics of spouses who work together.
My wife Ritah was born and bred in Rwanda. When she and I were dating, I always thought about how we were going to operate as a family. During dating, I made frequent flights to Kigali, stayed at different hotels, and visited my in-laws every now and then. I immersed myself in understanding the cultural differences between Uganda and Rwanda. The more I studied the harder it became in my mind to imagine her moving to Kampala when we got married.
Ritah was working as an Executive at the leading Real-estate Management Company in Kigali and Rwanda, her apartment was great. She loved her life over there. She dwelt among her people. She had expressed to me how disorganized Kampala was and how she never saw herself moving here. We had talked about the possibility of working together but it was in the context of us supporting each other from different nations.
However, something happened that changed everything. On one of my last trips to Kigali before getting married I proposed near the shores of Lake Kivu. Thereafter I engaged Ritah in a conversation which was persuasion in hindsight. It was a 10-year plan for our family including childbearing (by the way the plan had all the names of our children and when they were to be born. It also had twins) career growth and business.
After that conversation, I flew back to Uganda and life continued as normal. On one of the evenings after our usual night call, Ritah told me she was quitting her job and flying back to Uganda to settle with me. She had bought into the plan.
Fast forward, we have been married and working together as a couple. “How do you manage to work with your wife? My husband and I would never last a day working together” I get to be asked that question many times. It comes from men and women, single and married. Oh, even those who have been married for twenty years.
Though my grandparents worked together and my parents worked together, their experience wasn’t mine. I was about to find build my own experience.
My wife and I have the same careers and run multiple companies together. Do we have a different opinion at times? Absolutely! Do we get on each other’s nerves at times? For sure! I’ve learned that the key to working with your spouse isn’t a whole lot different from learning to work with your spouse in a marriage. I think the key to having a healthy husband and wife relationship while being a work/business partner at the same time comes with being able to balance the best of both worlds.
Here are some easy tips that have helped us:
1. Know how to schedule your personal time (My wife and I have time when we just do what we love and for her it might be time with the girls. For me it might be taking a run or getting two hours at home to read my favorite books as she takes the kids to see her friends.)
2. Have boundaries on work at home -This is the hardest part for us. You need to spend time enjoying being a couple and spend time doing things as a couple. It is important to remember that you are together for many reasons—not just for business. Have rules such as “no business talk in our bedroom,” or schedule a bi-weekly date night with your spouse.Â
3. Understand each other’s working style — This is a key thing to keep in mind if you want to avoid arguments and help each other be efficient. I usually like to handle the big picture stuff, while my wife loves the details of projects. I let her handle operations most of the time. It’s sort of like setting up each other to win.
4. Fill in what your spouse lacks in. It is easy to point fingers or find each other’s weaknesses. We all have something we are great at and other things we could improve on. What we’ve found to help us is instead of focusing on what the other person is lacking, just use that mental energy to focus and appreciate the strengths and build up on each other’s strengths. Ritah and I struggled in the beginning with this. I recommend bridging the gap instead of complaining because you are a team!
5. Let your teams get used to dealing with you as work colleagues. Another tough cookie. My team at Sudesh Int’l Consult got a shock when Ritah first came to work with us. They did not know whether to address her as Mrs. Sudesh, Ritah, or a Director. Despite many conversations, this took some time. I had to be relentless on separating the wife from the work colleague- its harder than just two sentences!
At the end of the day not working with your spouse doesn’t exempt you from dealing with challenges. Working with your spouse is a choice like marriage. Ritah and continue to study family businesses and the more we do, the more we become determined to continue building companies together while excelling at marriage
Happy anniversary to us!
One more thing: We have a family business get away in October. Only for couples working together
