Most of us have made a variety of vows through the years. Our parents punish us for something we believe is trivial, and we vow never to do the same thing to our children. We watch our boss lose her temper and swear that we’ll never act so ghastly. We see a friend walk away from a moral stance and promise we’ll never be that weak
Unfortunately, those vows rarely keep us out of trouble. When we observe others, tell ourselves ugly stories, and then fall under the influence of adrenaline, we become the very people we swore we’d never be. Of course, nobody transmutes into a hypocritical cretin on purpose. Instead, stupidity creeps up on us. We tell ourselves an ugly story, and become mentally incapacitated while under the effects of adrenaline, convince ourselves that we have the moral high ground, and move to either silence or violence while smugly proclaiming, “He deserved whatever I gave him.”
Sometimes when we’re really dumbed down by the effects of adrenaline, we make a truly absurd argument: “Sure, I was tough on them, but you need to be tough with these people. They respond to abuse, not reason.” Actually, we don’t have to be all that mentally incapacitated to make this argument.
It’s foisted on us almost every day, and with a straight face, no less. The fact that others need to be treated poorly to get them off their lazy back parts is sacred. For instance, we praise coaches for their incredible records, and if they happen to be abusive, we actually attribute their success to their authoritarian and punitive style.
Maybe we honor the abusive style of so many coaches and other public figures because their public actions lend credibility to our own private outbursts Their tantrums, taunts, and tricks support our own claim that it was okay to emotionally attack our teenage son because “it was good for him”
Let’s put this foolishness to bed. People don’t deserve to be abused, physically or emotionally. It’s not good for them. Yes, people should be held accountable. No one is questioning the need to act as responsible adults and expect others to do the same. But it is never good to abuse, insult, or threaten others.
You and I have heard the saying, “ What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” When it comes to emotions, abuse isn’t a blessing; it’s a curse. When people gain success through abuse, they succeed in spite of their method, not because of it.
Abusive leadership styles don’t succeed over the long haul, and over the short haul, they’re simply immoral. The greatest leaders, coaches, and parents we studied never became abusive. And during those weak moments when they may have briefly stepped over the line, they never argued that others needed or deserved it.
