Sometimes male managers feel that they’re acting warmly and benevolently toward female staff by using euphemisms like “Mukwano” ‘‘honey” and ‘‘sweetie,’’ especially when those staff are as younger. And sometimes it’s simply gentlemen wanting to share their charms with members of the opposite sex. Although sometimes it’s women who feel they can take the liberty of using diminutives with men while batting an eye and getting all ‘‘cutesy.’’ In reality, whoever is using these harmless, well-meaning epithets may not realize that they’re coming across as condescending and offensive.
What should you do if a female subordinate puts you on notice that the ‘‘Gen X’’ executive’s comments are rude and out of touch? Well, before you respond, ‘‘That’s not my job. Let him fix the issue”, know that such simple solutions don’t always work when you’re leading a team.
First, the Manager in question may have a reputation for avoiding confrontational issues like this.
Second, you may be aware that the Manager dislikes the member of staff for being reported and this may give the leader political fodder to damage the affected staff.
In cases like this one, diplomacy and goodwill are critical, and occasionally delivering bad news up the line is simply one of your responsibilities as a leader of leaders.
The Solution
In delivering this kind of message to the Manager (let’s call him Fred), you’ve got to make sure that you’re respectful and appreciative of his intentions on the one hand while informing him of the liability that can be created on the other. You’ll also want to tactfully remind him that the female staff (we’ll call her Linda) brought the matter to you in good faith and that no form of retaliation is permissible for Linda’s having come to you for help.
Your conversation with Fred might sound like this:
“Fred, I’d like to ask your help in solving a situation that came my way today. Is now a good time to talk? [Yes.] Great. Here’s what was shared with me: I know you’ve known Linda for a long time and that you enjoy working with her. She feels the same way about you, and she came to me feeling very uncomfortable about something that she didn’t know how to handle.
I know you’re both comfortable with each other, and no one wants that to change, but truth be told, Fred, she’s a bit uncomfortable with you referring to her as mukwano, honey, and sweetie. She told me that it pretty much hurts her feelings when you talk to her that way because it minimizes her role here in the office.
In fact, that’s probably something that I should keep in mind, too. I get very comfortable with the staff here sometimes because we’ve all been working together for so long, but I have to be careful not to get too comfortable with the staff, so I’m pretty much going to eliminate those cute little phrases when I speak with others. Would you be okay joining up with me in that little endeavor?
This is clearly a ‘‘walking on eggshells’’ approach, but hey, Fred is indeed and you certainly don’t want to be shot just for being the messenger. However, Fred may push back a bit and respond, ‘‘Nonsense. I’ve known Linda since she started here, and if she can’t take a little bit of humor, then maybe she’s in the wrong company.’’
Sigh. Your work is just beginning. In case you sense resistance to the practical and objective advice you’ve given, continue this way:
“Fred, I beg to differ. I love working with you, she loves working with you, and no one wants that to change. But you’ve got to be careful for one very important reason: You’re low-hanging fruit in litigation land. If anyone ever wanted to make a claim of sexual harassment or hostile work environment, one of the first things that would be called into question would be your vocabulary.
If you only refer to female employees using these diminutive euphemisms, and let’s face it—there are no similar terms for male colleagues— the burden will be on you to explain why that seems to be your state of mind. And as a leader in this company, you’re a natural target because you’ve got the deepest pockets personally as well as the CEO’s loyalty more than anyone else.
I’m not asking you to change your personality or your friendly, warm, and outgoing disposition. But I do feel that you’re potentially setting yourself up for future heartache, and you know that a judge or jury wouldn’t give much merit to your argument that ‘‘We always spoke that way to each other.’’ Truth be told, once an employee puts you on notice that she’s not comfortable, you pretty much have to oblige because you wouldn’t want a record to show that you were told about the problem but refused to deal with it.
Oh, and there’s one more thing, Fred. She came to me concerned and not knowing how to handle the situation. What’s important, though, is that she came to me in good faith. I don’t think this is that big of an issue personally, and I hope you agree. But we can’t do anything that could appear to be retaliatory for her having come to us with a good-faith complaint. Retaliation is a separate animal in the law’s eyes, and we certainly wouldn’t want to burden ourselves with something that serious over an issue that’s so easy to fix. Do you agree with me? If you don’t, let’s keep talking this through because it’s a smart business practice, and I’m ready to keep convincing you if you’d like to keep our discussion going!
This example illustrates how to gently address a topic that could make the perpetrator angry, even though it has such a simple solution.
The same approach will work for the gentleman who’s trying to ‘‘charm’’ the ladies or the woman who’s batting her eyes and acting cutesy. Emphasizing that the complainant simply wants the behavior to stop is key. If additional discussion is required, point out the low threshold for hostile work environment claims and how such salutations could be used as evidence of bias in a jury’s eyes.
Finally, remind the individual that anything resembling retaliation for a good faith complaint is a serious, separate infraction and must be avoided at all costs.
Words are powerful. Words create thoughts and thoughts create feelings. Be intentional on how you refer to people especially if you’re a leader.
